I looked into her eyes and it terrified me – in the most beautiful way, because in them I saw so much depth, so much life, so much understanding, such that did not align with that of a 10-day-old baby. She held my gaze. She looked right back into my eyes. I kept telling her over and over, “I’m your mama, I’m your mama.” I wanted to soak her soul, her essence, her very existence into my heart, and I wanted her to do the same.
The depth and wisdom of her eyes and the connection I felt when she looked back at me, I cannot explain or comprehend. I try my best to say it now in words. It was far too extraordinary for a newborn baby. I remember thinking, am I looking into God’s eyes? Not that my baby was God, but that in her eyes I found a glimpse of Heaven, of His heart, of a world I have not been to, but one I know is real and I’ve been searching for.
It was as if she was showing me something – a fraction of where she had come from, the beauty of another realm. In that moment, there only existed me and her. Everything around us was distant, fleeting and uninteresting. She was the sun and I merely orbited her for warmth.
This connection is not fathomable to our human minds, it cannot be seen with our human eyes or felt with our human hearts. But maybe, what it was, was that the spirit in her recognised the spirit in me. And so every time she looked into my eyes, we spoke without words, but I knew she felt it too. I knew exactly who she was, right down to her soul, and she knew exactly who I was too. Many search for a lifetime to find what we did in just a few weeks.
So, it terrified me in a fascinating way, in the way you’d react if an angel appeared in your bedroom and said, ‘Do not be afraid.’
It is the closest I have ever come to perhaps seeing Heaven.
– Extract from a work in progress. For Aleiyah Lee.